I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
