i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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