i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
