Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
