Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
