My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
