I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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