How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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