dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize