remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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