I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
