hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
