walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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