The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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