my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
