I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize