you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize