I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
