It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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