it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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