That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize