i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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