Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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