Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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