I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
As shirtless as possible
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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