hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
