hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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