Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
