Sry I called you an 8
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
