Please, let me fuck your mom
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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