for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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