I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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