remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
