Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
