if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
