You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
