I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
