I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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