Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
