if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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