This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
