so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
