oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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