my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
