Rock
Scissors
Fuck
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
