Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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