I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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