saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
