just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize