every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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