i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The beer is more important than you right now.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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