the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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