Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
