Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
