Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
