**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
