i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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