I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
