I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
