i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
