I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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