Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
