my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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