I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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