TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
