So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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